Here Without You
by LadeeBear
Summary: [DL sorrowangst songfic] I'm here without you baby, but you're still on my lonely mind.


**I listened to this song on my walk the other day, and decided that it would make for a really sad fanfiction. And, here it is. I hope that you enjoy it (if I make you cry, I apologize in advance), and please don't forget to review and let me know what you think. Also, feel free to check out any of my other one-shots or multi-chapter stories. For fans of 'Falling Up', I am in the process of writing chapter nine, so never fear – an update will come eventually!**

_Disclaimers: I don't own CSI:NY. Duh. I do own Joelle and the late Arthur McKay. Don't take them, please. I also don't own the song lyrics or title – that belongs to the group 3 Doors Down._

_Spoilers: Everything from "Zoo York" to "Snow Day". There are some AU things I added here and there, so those aren't part of the show, in case you are wondering._

Kudos to **Spunky** for giving this a read-through for me, and for helping me out with the ending…and for not killing me. ;)

"**Here Without You"**

_A hundred days have made me older  
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face  
_

Joelle McKay stood in front of the old grave and let a sigh escape her lips. She stared at the name etched into the tombstone and shook her head sadly. It still did not seem real to her, even after two years. She knelt down and delicately laid a dozen red roses on the snowy earth. She readjusted her scarf as she rose, hopeful to block some of the harsh winter wind that was biting at her face. A tear ran down her cheek and she brought a gloved hand to her face to wipe it away. _Arthur McKay_. It didn't seem possible that her husband was gone…in an instant, it had happened…she had been at the grocery store, and he had kissed her goodbye before he left for work…but he never came home for dinner that night. She had baked the chicken in the oven and checked the clock. He was late, that was all. She thought nothing of it. But as more minutes ticked by, she knew something wasn't right.

And then she got the call.

It had been like someone had deflated all the air in her body, so she fell limp on the kitchen floor, clutching herself, sobbing. It had been someone carelessly running a red light that had cost her husband his life. But she couldn't believe that he was gone. She had made his favorite meal. He would be home in time to eat it, and they would laugh over the little things. He was not gone. He could not be gone.

And yet, there she was, standing at his grave with tears running down her face because it _was _real. As much as she wanted it all to be a bad dream, the truth was that it wasn't. This was her reality, and as much as she sometimes hated to wake up to it every morning, it was always there.

Joelle was about to turn and walk towards her car, but a sound stopped her. She looked over her shoulder and saw a man, kneeling beside a tombstone. He was a good distance away from her, but she could distinctly hear his voice over the howling of the wind.

And then, quite impulsively, or perhaps just out of curiosity, she began to walk toward the man.

_A thousand lies have made me colder  
And I don't think I can look at this the same  
_

Danny Messer removed his glasses and wiped his eyes. He shook his head, almost – for a minute – believing that it was all a dream…that she really wasn't gone, and that she'd put a hand on his shoulder in a minute and assure him that she was alright. He read the name over and over and yet, for some reason, he could not accept that it was her name written on that marble. _Lindsay Monroe_. He could only smile because he had christened her 'Montana' upon her first day of work. He really didn't care for her, at first. She was replacing his best friend, and he didn't want anyone to try and fill Aiden's shoes.

But Lindsay didn't fill Aiden's shoes. She had no need to take Aiden's place at the lab – she created her _own_ place. She was unique, because in a way, no one would ever suspect that she held so much strength within her. But Danny knew better than anyone that this was true. She was tough, she was a fighter. She could stand her own ground whenever someone challenged her. She chased down suspects. She wasn't afraid to dumpster dive if her job required it. She was skilled with a knife. She could outsmart anyone. She was, in a sense, the most intriguing person Danny Messer had ever met.

He, himself, had been quite the talk of the lab before she came along. Everyone knew that he had associations with Tanglewood. Women fawned over him. Mac trusted him, even when he didn't trust himself, at times. The lab techs called him a 'bad boy' and a 'player'. He was cynical regarding love, and he was headstrong and often quite hot-tempered at times.

And then, something happened when he met her. Granted, nothing extraordinary happened to him overnight, but gradually, he began to soften.

He was slowly falling for her.

And now that she was gone…he didn't know what was going to happen.

_But all the miles that separate  
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face_

Mac had told him that the pain would never completely go away. _When you lose someone you love, a piece of you is lost with them_. Danny had asked Mac if it was normal to dream about Lindsay, even though she was gone. Mac smiled sadly. "When Claire passed away, I often dreamt that she was still here…that it all had been a terrible dream. I can't remember exactly what happened in those dreams, but I know that when I woke up the following morning, it always felt as if I had been in a warm glow, and suddenly I was cold again." Mac had paused a moment before continuing. "Lindsay loved you, Danny. And you need to hold onto that love. I had to hold onto some of Claire's old possessions because they had her spirit in them…every little object that cluttered our apartment…it had part of her in it. And I just couldn't let go of those possessions, no matter how trivial some were."

Danny returned to the present and looked at her name again. He swallowed a lump in his throat and blinked back hot tears. If only he had been with her that night…then maybe…

_You can't burden yourself with the questions of 'what if?'_

Danny swallowed. Stella had visited his apartment the afternoon after Lindsay's funeral and had told him that. She assured him that Lindsay's death was not his fault. She recounted how she felt when Frankie died, and told Danny how she continued to blame herself months later for his death, believing that if she would have only done something sooner, she could have prevented the tragedy.

"Stell, there's nothing you _could_ have done. You didn't know what was gonna happen," he had told her. Stella nodded.

"And you couldn't have prevented this, either, Danny."

Danny balled his fist and closed his eyes. He wished that the driver who had decided to get into the car, despite his blood alcohol level being through the roof, would have died instead of his Lindsay…his Lindsay…his Montana…

_I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
And I dream about you all the time  
_

He didn't know how he was going to survive without her. At the funeral he realized the finality of the situation – she was never coming back. And yet, when he went home to his apartment at night after a shift, sometimes he swore that he heard her voice. He had kept her shampoo – it was strawberry-scented. He remembered how it smelled in her hair. And in the bathroom he had sunk onto the floor, clutching the bottle, sobbing. He had found her old pair of running shorts later on that evening.

"_God, Montana, what smells?" Danny asked, wrinkling his nose._

_Lindsay laughed and rolled her eyes, flinging a pair of running shorts at him. "I didn't have time to wash them yet," she explained._

_Danny looked at the shorts that were on the floor and shook his head. "I ain't touchin' those things, Montana. They smell like sweat."_

_Lindsay rolled her eyes again and shrugged. "Think of it as the smell of success. I ran a mile in those things yesterday. Plus," she added, as she walked towards the bathroom, "it will give you something to remember me by."_

"_I'd rather not remember you smelling like a dog," he muttered. Lindsay poked her head out of the bathroom and shot a playful glance at Danny._

"_I heard that!"_

_They both laughed._

Danny had folded the shorts and had placed them delicately in a box. He wanted to remember her…all of her. Her smile, her passion, her love – even her sweat, because it was a part of who she was. She ran almost every chance that she get because it energized her and gave her something to look forward to. _It gives me a goal to achieve. Plus, it's a great form of exercise. You should try it with me sometime!_

Danny had rolled his eyes when she suggested that they run together. "I hate runnin'," he replied, flicking on the television. She had cuddled up beside him and batted her long eyelashes. Danny didn't so much as flinch. "Won't work this time, Montana," he vowed. Lindsay glared and pouted.

"Fine. I'll go running by myself today, but one of these days I _will _get you to join me," she promised. Danny kissed her on the cheek, and Lindsay smiled genuinely.

"…not gonna happen," he said. Lindsay smacked his shoulder, and with one last playful glance, walked out the door.

If only he had known that she would be gone the following week, he would have volunteered to do anything and everything with her. He would have told her every waking moment how much he loved her…

_I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight it's only you and me_

Danny closed his eyes, trying desperately to block out the fierce cry of the wind. He could still hear her voice. He smiled and he pictured her standing there, hands on her hips, smirking at him. He felt her take his hand in the courtroom. He watched her smile as she woke up beside him on the pool table. He felt her arms around him as they danced together…

But upon opening his eyes, Danny realized that he was daydreaming. She wasn't there, and he was left with the cold, harsh reality that he was alone.

And he began to cry again.

_The miles just keep rollin'  
As the people leave their way to say hello  
_

Danny knew that his friends and colleagues meant well by presenting their condolences and offering their advice. He knew that Mac truly felt his pain. And even though he knew that Mac could relate, Danny still felt isolated in his suffering. One side of him yearned to be surrounded by family and friends – the ones he loved. Yet, the other side of him desired solitude and silence because he saw a reflection of her in his colleagues – a realization that things would never quite be the same again.

He felt the 'stages of grief', or so the psychologists called them. He had been told that it was normal to feel anger, depression, and denial. They told him that it was 'all part of the healing process'. And he wondered exactly what that meant. Did it mean that one day he would be cured of his sorrow? Did it mean that one day he would eventually be able to push Lindsay Monroe to some dusty corner in the back of his mind? If so, then he never wanted to be healed. He wanted to always remember Lindsay, just as she was the day that she died.

Danny couldn't help but smiling as he remembered how they went from co-workers to so much more. He remembered how he had teased her mercilessly with his nickname for her, and how she had proved to him – many times – that she was just as smart and dedicated to her work as she was.

"I think you might be smarter than me," he had told her early in their dating life. Lindsay had frowned and shook her head.

"Danny, you're extremely smart," she assured him. Danny smiled and patted the available spot next to him on the sofa and she walked over, sat down, and curled up next to him with her head on his shoulder. And he felt, in that moment, as if everything was right in the world. It was how he felt briefly when he had carried her across a rooftop for one of her experiments – it was almost as if she was meant for his arms, and his arms only. And when he took her hand on the doll case, it fit perfectly…almost as if…almost as if she was made for him.

And it sounded cliché and cheesy, and was completely unlike Danny Messer to fall for a woman that way. He used to hate even mentioning the term 'marriage', and had told Mac to not even joke about it around him…Danny had been so entangled in his bachelor status before, but none of that mattered once Lindsay came around. He found that the more time he spent around her, the more he wanted to be in her presence. In a strange way, he was drawn to her…

And he thought, for once in his life, that he might have actually been in love.

_I've heard this life is overrated  
But I hope that it gets better as we go_

Presently, Danny looked up to see a woman on the other side of the cemetery, walking towards him. He rose to his feet and brushed his pants off. He hoped that the woman was walking towards her car, because he did not feel like answering questions from strangers – not until he had the answers himself. They would ask how he knew the woman buried in front of him, and how could he reply?

_She was my girlfriend…the woman I loved…the woman I thought I would spend my life with…she was my partner and my friend…and I was going to propose to her last weekend…_

He still couldn't believe it. Could God have hated him so much to take away the only woman he truly loved only a week before he was about to propose to her? Could God really do such a terrible thing? Danny jammed a hand into his coat pocket and fingered the box that was inside. He still carried the ring around…he had no use for it, but he carried it all the same. It was a reminder to him of the woman he loved.

And it seemed absurd to keep a diamond ring with him wherever he went.

"_I don't see the big deal. Diamond is just an allotrope of the element carbon."_

"_Spoken like a true romantic."_

If only he had known…ah, but there was his problem, as Stella's voice echoed through his head. _You can't burden yourself with the question of 'what if'. _No, but oh how he wished he could go back in time and insist on driving her to the store that night. He wished that he could have been there with her…

_I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
And I dream about you all the time  
_

But now, he was standing on the snow-covered ground, not minding the harsh wind that whipped the trees behind him. He seemed to be numb, and it was not entirely due to the cold weather. He had it all planned out – he would cover the apartment with rose petals and would even succumb to playing a bit of country music (she was a sucker for 'God Blessed the Broken Road') in the background. He would blindfold her as she walked in, and put the chain around her neck with the ring dangling from it. When he removed the blindfold, she would have seen the dimly lit apartment, and would have realized that there was a ring hanging from her neck. And then, he would have asked her to be his wife. And she would have said yes.

But that could never happen. The night that someone decided to get behind the wheel of a car while drunk was the night that he lost the most important person in his life. It was the night where everything came crashing down, like a house of cards or broken glass…or any other metaphor. It was all the same in the end, anyway – she was gone.

No matter how he spun it, the truth was that she was gone for good.

For good.

_I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight girl it's only you and me_

Danny recalled the day that he almost lost Lindsay on a case. It seemed like ages ago to him now, but in actuality, it was a mere year or so. She had gone undercover to rescue a hostage, much to his disappointment. Everything had gone alright, as far as Flack and Stella were concerned. They clutched onto their headphones, listening. But Danny was far from feeling relieved. He felt that something was about to happen – something was about to go wrong. And sure enough, he heard the angry reply:

_Try again._

He knew, in that moment, that she was in trouble. He raced out of the van, intent on getting to her. He didn't even register that Flack and Stella were still in the van. All that mattered was making sure she was alright. When he entered the apartment, he could scarcely see two feet in front of him, so he called out to her. A killer was being apprehended and a hostage was somewhere in the chaos, but all he cared about was getting to _her_.

"_Lindsay?"_

There was no reply and he scanned the room. Surely he would have been able to see a hint of purple jacket somewhere. Stella was behind him, and Flack had slammed the killer against the wall…but where was Lindsay?

He tried again. _"Lindsay?"_

"_Danny!"_

He heard her voice even though a thousand things were happening all around him. And suddenly, everything slowed down. He hastily put away his gun and helped her to her feet. He asked her if she was alright. She gave him a feeble 'yes.' And then he held her. He held her as if she would disappear at any moment, and she held onto him tightly. He pulled away from their embrace for a moment and studied her face. Despite the fact that she claimed she was fine, her eyes showed anything but that. She was afraid, and her eyes seemed to beg for him to just hold her. So he reached out and held her close to him. His eyes flickered to the ceiling and he felt his heart rate begin to return to a normal pace. _Thank God_, he mouthed, relief immediately washing over him. She was holding onto him and she was safe. It was alright.

And she took a fistful of his shirt and buried her head in his shoulder. He placed a hand on the back of her head and stared at her, still silently thanking the God in heaven that she was safe. And he knew, in that moment, that his relationship with her was deeper than he could have ever imagined – he had never been so scared than when he thought he would lose her.

And now, the same God who had delivered her from Mosi refused to deliver her from the hands of a drunk driver. Danny looked at the bleak, gray sky and threw his hands up in the air. "Happy?" he yelled in anger. He could feel the rage begin to tear at him. "Are you happy now that I'm alone? That she's gone? Was that all part of some divine plan?" he spat.

_Everything I know, and anywhere I go  
It gets hard but it wont take away my love  
_

Everywhere he went reminded him of her. Flack brought him pizza one night, and all he could remember was her.

"_C'mon! I just wanna grab a slice! I'm starvin' here!"_

It seemed that everything reminded him of her, and some days, it comforted him. It was almost as if these reminders, these little things assured him that Lindsay had left her mark on the world – and on him. Yet, they also made him miss her all the more.

Danny's was snapped back to reality when he heard a woman's voice next to him.

"You lose someone too?"

The CSI turned his head and saw a woman with bright green eyes staring intently at him. He nodded, not saying a word. Joelle continued to stare at the man and then read the name on the tombstone he was standing in front of.

"Lindsay," she said slowly. Danny looked over at her. "That's a beautiful name. I bet she was an extraordinary young woman."

Danny swallowed and nodded. "She was. She was like…no one I've ever met."

Joelle smiled and gestured to a snow-covered bench a few feet away from them. "Would you like to sit down?" she asked kindly. Danny seemed to contemplate for a moment before nodding. Joelle brushed the snow off the stone bench and sighed as she sat down. "Have you been here a lot lately?" she asked.

Danny shrugged. "I come whenever I can."

Joelle nodded and the pair settled into awkward silence. Finally, the woman leaned forward, gloved hands folded together. She stared off into the distance, seeing nothing but snow-covered shrubbery and icy streets. "I lost someone."

Danny turned his head, but the woman didn't look up at him. "I lost my husband about two years ago, suddenly."

"I'm sorry."

Joelle looked up at the man when he spoke. "See, I never understood why people apologized for death…like somehow it was _their_ fault that my husband died." Danny merely blinked and remained in contemplative silence.

_And when the last one falls  
When it's all said and done  
It gets hard but it wont take away my love_

"You know what the hardest part is?" Joelle asked after another few minutes of watching the first snowflakes of the day begin to fall. She did not wait for Danny to answer and pressed on. "The hardest part is believing that this all is real. It's almost as if some days I feel like this all…" she gestured to the vastness of the graveyard at this point, "…is some twisted dream."

Danny nodded.

"But, I've realized something," the woman replied, studying Danny. "I've realized that sometimes we're dealt blows in life, and those blows may knock the wind out of us, but we can always get back up on our feet. See, Arthur is the reason I get up every morning – even on mornings where I'd rather throw the covers over my head and sleep forever."

Danny furrowed his eyebrows. "Arthur?"

Joelle smiled sadly. "Arthur was my husband. He was killed in a car accident."

Danny nodded. "Lindsay…she was too."

Joelle let a soft sigh escape. "Ah. Was she your wife?"

Danny swallowed. "I – uh – never got the chance to…to ask her."

Joelle's eyes widened and she merely said, "Oh." After another moment of hesitation, she spoke. "I get up every morning because I know that Arthur wouldn't want me to sleep my life away and potentially miss out on something grand."

Danny stared at his hands. "And the pain?" he asked.

Joelle stared at Lindsay's grave. "I wish I could tell you that eventually it goes away. I sincerely wish that I could. I also wish that I could appease everyone's suffering. But it won't happen. You will still have rough nights, trust me. And I am sure everyone else has told you this, and you're probably sick of hearing it."

Danny said nothing, so Joelle continued. "Lindsay…she meant the world to you. You laughed when she laughed, and felt the warmth of her presence. She was your hope and your light…and now that she's gone, all you feel is cold and empty."

Danny's blue eyes glistened and he looked at Joelle. "Yes."

Joelle placed a hand on Danny's shoulder. "But the good thing is you're not alone. She's always going to be with you. You can never _truly_ lose someone you love, because to love at all is to love every part of that person. You feel their pain and share in their joys. You vow to love them 'till death do you part…"

Danny looked over at Joelle as tears escaped her eyes and she choked out her next sentence. "…but even death can't kill true love. I'll love Arthur forever. And you'll love Lindsay forever. Though she's not here…she's alive in the memories you have of her. She's alive in your love."

_I'm here without you baby  
But you're still on my lonely mind  
I think about you baby  
And I dream about you all the time_

Danny did not even know the woman's name, and yet he put a hand on her shoulder as she pulled out a tissue to dab her eyes with. "I'm sorry," she apologized with a little chuckle. "I hope that didn't sound too cheesy for you."

Danny shook his head and his lips curved into a smile for the first time in a long time. "No. I understand."

"See, death," Joelle continued, pointing at Lindsay's grave, "is looking at things another way." Danny frowned and looked to where the woman was pointing. Between the talking and crying, neither of them had noticed that the sun had begun to come out, peeking out through behind a veil of thick gray clouds. The snow had stopped and Joelle had to shield her eyes from the rays of light. Lindsay's headstone sparkled with the now fast-melting snow, and it seemed to give off a warmth…a warmth like Lindsay had given.

Danny stared off into the horizon and listened, distinctly hearing a bird's song over the loud roar of a snowmobile. Little children were beginning to run out onto the streets, ignoring their mothers' warnings to put on a scarves and mittens. Danny stared at the laughing kids who began to pick up snowballs and toss them at one another.

And still, like the woman had insinuated, life went on. Danny watched a little girl in a pink and purple jacket throw a snowball at a boy in a blue jacket who was twice her size. She hit the boy square in the chest and he looked appalled. The little girl ran from him, braided pigtails swinging dangerously behind her. Danny couldn't help but smile. Lindsay was the feisty spirit in that little girl. She was the warmth in the sun that was beginning to pool over the graves. She was the bird's song. Maybe the woman had been right…maybe when you loved someone they were never _truly_ gone.

"Thank you," Danny said suddenly. He turned to the woman seated beside him, who smiled and extended her hand.

"I'm Joelle. And you are?"

Danny took the woman's hand. "Danny," he replied. Joelle smiled.

"You'll be alright," she vowed.

Danny breathed a sigh and looked at Lindsay's name. Joelle noticed this and continued. "Not today, and certainly not tomorrow. Maybe not even two years from now. And I can't assure you that it gets easier. You think you're fine and then you stumble across his comb or a song that she used to sing…" Joelle paused and craned her neck toward where Arthur was buried. "…but you'll be alright."

Danny looked at Joelle and nodded as the pair rose together. Brushing snow off of her pants, Joelle smiled. "It was nice to meet you." And then, without waiting for his reply, she began to walk in the direction from which she had come.

Danny nodded his head thoughtfully and then fixed his eyes toward the sky. He turned his head when he heard the distinct sound of a group of children yelling. Curiosity got the better of him, and he walked toward the cemetery's gate. The young boy and girl that he had seen earlier were standing across from each other with friends of their respective genders rallied behind each of them. The boy held something in his hands and dangled it a few feet in front of the young girl's comrades who let out squeals of fright and disgust. The young girl with the pigtails however didn't flinch.

"Five bucks says she won't do it," a friend of the boy's replied with a laugh. The other males laughed in agreement. The boy stood there and dangled the wriggling worm in mid-air.

Confidently, the girl took a few steps toward him and in one swift motion, grabbed the worm from his fingers and plopped it into her mouth. All of the onlookers – of both genders – let out cries of disgust. Even the boy in the blue jacket raised his eyebrows. The young girl merely shrugged and swallowed.

"It's protein," she said with a smirk. The onlookers shook their heads and parted ways slowly until only the boy and girl remained. The young girl motioned with her finger for the boy to move closer and she spoke to him with a smile. "A little advice, Jesse – don't bet against a girl from the country." And with her final words, the girl turned her back on Jesse and skipped over to where some of her friends were. Jesse looked dejected as he too joined his friends in a game of tag.

And Danny stood beside the cemetery gate, blue eyes twinkling and he laughed at the irony.

_I'm here without you baby  
But you're still with me in my dreams  
And tonight girl it's only you and me._

**So, did you enjoy it? It went from being quite depressing to rather hopeful and inspiring, I think. Anyway, I appreciate any comments or constructive criticism you may have. Just hit the reply button and tell me what you thought!**


End file.
